One day my friends and I were looking for a parking spot around Queens Blvd. And like a gift from the gods, a parking spot appeared under a most lonely light post. Hours later we returned to find the car riddled with bird droppings. You can almost imagine the birds lining up on the light post when we left and taking aim at the car.
I love a lot of things about NYC, a firing squad of fowls is not one of them. I’ve visited places across the U.S. and never has anything like this happen to me anywhere else. There seems to be certain bad things that only occur in New York and certain assailants that want to ruin your day. And calling them pest is sometimes an understatement.
- Irresponsible Dog Owner: Dude, I adore dogs and I completely see the appeal of owning one. But owners pick up their poop on the street. As I walk around NYC, I do not need dog poop to serve as landmarks so I don’t get lost. More than once they have been like mines that I must hop over and sometimes sadly fail. That is why It’s not only courteous to pick them up, it’s the law. Just check out 161.03. of NYC Health Code. It’s in there!
- Subway Evangelist: Now I do like that sometimes there are performances in the subway cars from break dancing to guitar players to gospels singers. But public sermons to unsuspecting commuters is where I draw the line. Almost everybody knows the basics of the theology you’re preaching about. When they are acquainted with the material already, spitting it out again won’t help your cause. And little skits like the “Matrix Man” won’t help either. Religious discourse is important but this is just not the place you do it in.
- Snipping Birds: You birds, this inspired this entire rant, can cause a large amount of damage. There are even companies that exist to exterminate you like Magic Bird Division. You do damage buildings and statues with your nesting but I am terrified by the the sight of you as a group. Like a bunch of bullies ready to beat me up, I scramble as quickly as possible out your general area fearing one ay you will riddle with your droppings like my friends car under that lamp post.