As anyone who has had the misfortune of sharing a subway car with a group of these pests can attest, teenagers in New York are basically nightmarish, weaponized human beings. They are organic machines bred for malice and fueled by hate, traveling in savage, baying packs and if we had any sense as a society, everyone between 13 and 18 would get the V.C. Andrews treatment, and we would all be better off for it.
Need proof? Here are just a few of the few things teenagers are responsible for:
Teenagers are feeble minded. Victoria Beckham has banned size zero models from her show at Fashion Week on the grounds that the hard-working waifs are a bad influence on teenagers soft, easily influenced brains. And if anyone knows about bad influences on teenagers, it’s Posh Spice. Then again, I’m pretty sure you can’t get into heaven if you were in Spice World, so shut up Victoria Beckham.
Teenagers are junkies. A recent survey found that one in five parents don’t think they can prevent their children from experimenting with drugs. In related news, 4 in five parents drastically overestimate their ability to prevent their teenagers from experimenting with drugs, proving that after all these years, parents continue to just not understand.
Teenagers carry diseases. Now that New York is leaving the little monsters to fend for themselves on the matter of flu shots, you can safely consider every teenager you see a disease vector for life-threatening ailments. It’s enough to make a person nostalgic for the days when troops of bloodthirsty teens roamed the streets looking for Hispanic people to stab to death.
Oh, wait. They still do that.